Friday, March 4, 2011

As Real As I Know How to Be.....

Anyway, welcome to my observations on life.
 Somewhat witty, heartwarming 
 always as real as I know how to be.

The words you see above are from my sidebar, making you a promise that I intend to keep. You really are an anonymous unknown collection of people who I will most likely never see in "real life". That is not to say that I don't care about you and your lives, I do. I know some of your back stories and have even been known to stop and chat with God about your troubles and problems. But the majority of you are strangers so I should be able to be "as real as I know how to be" here on this blogspace of mine.

Even so, I hesitate to tell you about my recent struggles and I am asking myself why I hold that back from you. As a Christian I think there are still some ugly pieces of my old "cocoon" hanging on and causing me to hide my questions and doubts from you. There is an old mind set that I must PROTECT GOD'S REPUTATION. Ha! That's hilarious really! As if He needs me to help Him with His PR (Public Relations)!

I am going through a tough time. Normally I would wait until I came through the tough time to tell you about how I came out the other side and all is well with my soul, so to speak. We people of faith tend to shy away from admitting that we still have questions, worries and doubts. 

I know about and practice (and even teach) the gift of choosing our thoughts and keeping them positive. It is one of my main teachings in fact! It isn't just a christian "glad game". I believe that we are the masters of our minds and we can choose to wallow in the muck or get up and keep walking. But that does not mean I am willing to pretend to be happy when I am struggling. 

Ironically, the very reason I feel free to share my wonderings with you today is that I know that I know that I know, that my God is good. I do not doubt Him. I am not worried that tomorrow I will lose my salvation and decide to become a hooker to make some money for us. (Ha! Too many funny one liners popping up right now, must refocus! )  

But I am wondering why He is being so very quiet right now. Hubs and I shared a  ministry job for ten years and it ended unexpectedly about 11 months ago. We are now living on 1/3 of that salary. There are many complicated friendship intricacies involved, too much to go into here, but mainly we are in a place of "what now?" and IT IS NOT FUN!

God and I have been more than friends for over 40 years so I have no doubt that there will be an end to this yucky season and I will be able to look back and see what it was about. I can say that because we have a history together and I simply know it will be alright.

But dang it, I am not used to it taking this long!! I am asking Him if I am missing some important clue, is there a step that I missed or a turn I did not take? 

For the first time in my life, the idea of going away and living the life of a hermit sounds really good and comfy cosy. Today on our bike Hubs slowed down enough to say, "Hey how about we sell all we have and just travel for a couple years then come back and let the kids take care of us?"  I told him that I never thought I would agree to such a plan, but it sounds perfect right now! 

We are using up our savings and even the small income we do have will be ending in June. C'mon God, any time now would be great! I know You well enough to trust You, so the panic has not taken over, but it would be oh so lovely to hear a little something to hang on to right about now.......


  1. Sounds like we're asking the same questions! Our situation is much like yours probably even worse. Our kids won't take care of us!! They aren't able to.

    I hear ya, I feel for you too. We deserve better don't we?

  2. I'm sorry your life isn't working the way you planned. You are obviously on a chosen path. But look hard and long at that path. Perhaps it's changed without you having noticed. I am almost 81 years old and I can't count the number of times my path has changed. Accepting change has always been difficult for me BUT I think that was one of my lessons to learn. There is a reason, Brenda and once you accept this, happiness will fly right back into your life. Of this, I am positive.
    Love and peace

  3. I am hoping for answered prayers very soon for you.

  4. I've found that usually right before the greatest blessings are about to unfold there is a stretch of some pretty rough times. I've also grown and learned some pretty awesome & valuable lessons during these times. But Satan does love to wreak havoc when he knows God is about to move in a person's life. So hang on , girl and be ready to have your socks blessed off. I've also noticed that God is sometimes quiet because everyone else is being loud. You'll be in my prayers.

  5. This sounds so much of what we have been through the last two years. Except here we were praying for rain. We prayed and prayed and there was NOTHING. The pastor said we needed to confess any hidden sin we had or believe harder. We believed and confessed. Nothing. It was a hard time to live through. My husband actually gave up. He stopped praying for rain and it took a long time till it finally did come. It came when we gave up and gave it up to HIM. We had to let go, and not try to tell Him when it was time. The waiting period is so very hard and I will be thinking of you! Thankyou for sharing your struggles and when the time is right the Lord will give you "Rain" in your life!

  6. You know, even though it's not always easy to share troubles, you prevent others from praying for you when you don't. So, I'm glad you shared and I will pray for you. I have a dear, dear friend who is the wife of a minister- also a dear friend. They left our church family 13 years ago and went only 15 minutes away to answer a calling. I have been with her recently and she told me about the last 13 years. It has been a very distressing 13 years. VERY. But through it all, I could just see how her faith keep strong. And God has answered--but not before many 'things' transpired. I know this all sounds vague but, the point it, He really will answer/show you the way but in HIS time. I know you already know this. In the meantime, just give it over to Him and trust...He is with you every step of the way!

  7. I like you, was in ministry and mine also ended abruptly. I questioned and questioned.
    I finally got it that I had to leave it alone and stop questioning. I had to just be quiet for awhile (a long while) and let the Creator work in me. When I did, great things happened.
    Be patient and listen for awhile.
    Your in my thoughts.
    ~Naila Moon

  8. Wow! There are a lot of us (comparatively) here whose ministries have ended suddenly and (I'm guessing) unhappily.

    Peter Drucker (management consultant, etc.) said the four toughest jobs in America are (in no particular order):
    1. President of the Country
    2. President of a University
    3. CEO of a hospital
    4. Pastor.

    For Bear, it's been six years of pain and puzzlement. I think he's turned a corner. Finally. Maybe?

    For you, "Have Motorcycle, will . . . be open to whatever we meet"?

    In the absence of other viable options, your response would be . . .?

  9. Yes I have heard this story many times from different people (me included)...I guess mine was short (8 months of unemployment). My lesson was to give up and let God, when I did that, things turned around for us???
    ps. Blogging is supposed to make money??

  10. You might find an uplifting blog to read.

  11. Hi Friend!

    I didn't read all the comments, so I apologize if I'm repeating someone else here! Hey, I just want to thank you for being real and honest! If you've seen my blog posts at all, you'd know that I share my very real feelings too. I think it is important for women to be real with each other to help each other to realize we are not alone down here!
    God will in fact answer you in HIS perfect timing. You are clearly faithful to Him, and I know waiting is the hardest thing to do! I hate waiting, but it has been in the waiting that I have grown the most! I talk to a lot of women of various ages at church, and they keep telling me the same thing..."this is a season of your will soon move into another season.." At 41, I'm starting to understand what they mean! You too are in a new season, and from what I think I know about you, you will emerge from it and will do something special with it. Take care and know you are being prayed for in Michigan today!! (even though we're a bit chilly!)


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