Anyway, welcome to my observations on life.
Somewhat witty, heartwarming
always as real as I know how to be.
The words you see above are from my sidebar, making you a promise that I intend to keep. You really are an anonymous unknown collection of people who I will most likely never see in "real life". That is not to say that I don't care about you and your lives, I do. I know some of your back stories and have even been known to stop and chat with God about your troubles and problems. But the majority of you are strangers so I should be able to be "as real as I know how to be" here on this blogspace of mine.
Even so, I hesitate to tell you about my recent struggles and I am asking myself why I hold that back from you. As a Christian I think there are still some ugly pieces of my old "cocoon" hanging on and causing me to hide my questions and doubts from you. There is an old mind set that I must PROTECT GOD'S REPUTATION. Ha! That's hilarious really! As if He needs me to help Him with His PR (Public Relations)!
I am going through a tough time. Normally I would wait until I came through the tough time to tell you about how I came out the other side and all is well with my soul, so to speak. We people of faith tend to shy away from admitting that we still have questions, worries and doubts.
I know about and practice (and even teach) the gift of choosing our thoughts and keeping them positive. It is one of my main teachings in fact! It isn't just a christian "glad game". I believe that we are the masters of our minds and we can choose to wallow in the muck or get up and keep walking. But that does not mean I am willing to pretend to be happy when I am struggling.
Ironically, the very reason I feel free to share my wonderings with you today is that I know that I know that I know, that my God is good. I do not doubt Him. I am not worried that tomorrow I will lose my salvation and decide to become a hooker to make some money for us. (Ha! Too many funny one liners popping up right now, must refocus! )
But I am wondering why He is being so very quiet right now. Hubs and I shared a ministry job for ten years and it ended unexpectedly about 11 months ago. We are now living on 1/3 of that salary. There are many complicated friendship intricacies involved, too much to go into here, but mainly we are in a place of "what now?" and IT IS NOT FUN!
God and I have been more than friends for over 40 years so I have no doubt that there will be an end to this yucky season and I will be able to look back and see what it was about. I can say that because we have a history together and I simply know it will be alright.
But dang it, I am not used to it taking this long!! I am asking Him if I am missing some important clue, is there a step that I missed or a turn I did not take?
For the first time in my life, the idea of going away and living the life of a hermit sounds really good and comfy cosy. Today on our bike Hubs slowed down enough to say, "Hey how about we sell all we have and just travel for a couple years then come back and let the kids take care of us?" I told him that I never thought I would agree to such a plan, but it sounds perfect right now!
We are using up our savings and even the small income we do have will be ending in June. C'mon God, any time now would be great! I know You well enough to trust You, so the panic has not taken over, but it would be oh so lovely to hear a little something to hang on to right about now.......