One Conversation

One conversation can bring healing to the hurting heart.
Speaking words aloud that have been swirling in our heads for months.
My stomach was turning flip-flops as we drove to the little Tai restaurant.
If it was going to be all small-talk I was determined to move it to big talk!
It is way overdue. No one's fault.
Everyone's fault.

One hour moved into more than two hours.
With eyes brimming they said that no harm was meant,
and told us of the behind-the-scenes happenings
that were happening.

With eyes equally full we said that we knew that.
We had never stopped 'believing the best' about them.
Underneath the surface junk, we knew the hearts and
we never doubted.

Well, yes, we did doubt and we did stick our
little toes into the tempting pool of
bitterness.
But we hated how it felt and quickly
stepped away.

But oh, the freedom to look across that little
shiny black table and smile into loving eyes.
To give forgiveness and accept forgiveness.
So sweet, take a deep breath and let the shoulders fall.

One talk, one conversation.
So powerful and so releasing.
Thank you Father.

Fun Done, Work Begun

Hi Gang, I'm back from my fun 3 days at the beach with close girlfriends and have lots of pics and giggles to share, but not today. Hubs told me this morning that even with his two jobs, if I do not find a way to being in $$ with my writing, I will need to get "get back out there" and get a normal job!! Not the best motivation for creativity but it will have to do for now.

So after this note to you I am heading back to my writing room to continue working on my "Dream Job" package that is my latest project. As I've said before I would love to write a weekly (or more) column for a newspaper. My only field of expertise is really just my faith, so it would need to be an "Inspirational" column.

My local paper goes out to a pretty large number of adjoining cities. They have a page on saturdays called "Faith & Ethics".  I have been working on a letter that sells my self to them. It will include my writing experience, my blog subscriber numbers, my blog addresses so they can check me out, etc. I have also asked a few friends to write a 2or 3 line testimonial or recommendation about my writing and what it means to them. I will include those in the letter, along with past writing samples and several new sample columns that would fit their need. (If you are so inclined, a one liner from any of you would be lovely. Thanx!)

Can you think of anything I am missing that would help me get this job? They are not advertising for it at all, it is just what I want to do and so I am "cold-calling" to convince them they need me. Not exactly my normal behavior!! Very new territory!!

Thanx for being here in my laptop Friends! I appreciate you more than you know,

A Dog Talked To Me About God.....

FIRST... I want to say thank you very much for going to GoodBlogs and voting my blog post onto their Homepage and thereby earning me an easy $20!! What a fun new site, you should check it out and make some fun bucks for yourself!

SECOND... Recently I spilled my guts to you about the tough time Hubs and I are going through regarding our job situation and the great big empty space we see as the next step. We still have no clue what is next or how we will earn a living. BUT...


My heart is no longer feeling so bruised and alone. Sometimes for a person of faith, it really takes a  very small event to remind them that they are not alone. My "small event" came in the shape of a dog named Sadie.

Sadie is a Blog-Friend of mine who somehow got her paws onto her owner's (But I actually believe that SADIE owns him rather than the other way around!) computer and sent me an encouraging email that was very sweet. THEN a little later Sadie wrote me again saying that as she was going to bed she suddenly had a Celtic prayer come to mind and thought it may help in my situation.

Here is where the "small event" became a big event in my week. I immediately recognized the prayer as Psalm 27:4 even though it was not marked that way in the email, because Psalm 27:4 has been my chosen life verse since 1997! Hello! 

Psalm 27:4

One thing I have asked of the Lord,

this is what I seek;

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life;

to behold the beauty of the Lord

and to seek Him in His temple.

The prayer included this verse and it was a strong reminder of the ONE THING that is important in my life, in this situation and how I will walk through it. My focus has been re calibrated, re-aligned so that I am refusing to allow the negatives around me to determine who I am or what atmosphere I carry around with me. (Is that churchy-talk? Sorry.) Not sure how else to say it other than that I am choosing to look at God and how much He loves me rather than the ugly stuff around me. It does not make the ugly stuff go away, but it truly is amazing how much it shrinks it! Ha! 

"Beholding the beauty of the Lord" means refusing to dwell on the negative and instead reminding myself of all the good things in my life and all the good things I have seen God do for my family in the past. It sounds so silly and simple doesn't it? But it is not easy, it is an intentional fight in my mind, to pull the worry thoughts back into line. 

To top it off I skyped my sister for the first time today and she asked what was going on with us. I didn't tell her much because I wanted the call to be fun and enjoyable not complaining. So she says...

"Well, I felt like I was supposed to

pray for you this week

and all I heard God say to pray about was

your work."

!!!

Haha! How do you like that? 

So my friends, you have had a small glimpse into my life and pretty much the way things happen for Hubs and I. I usually reserve my more "God-stuff" posts for my other blog and try to keep this kind of neutral so that anyone can feel comfortable here, but since I blubbered all over you with my doubts, I figured you also deserved to hear the result. Thanks for reading and thanks for all the kind words. 

I love this blog-world a lot!

A Dog?

God has sent me

a sweet message through

a dog.

Back HERE

I was asking God

to help me understand

what my next "assignment" is.

He was being terribly silent

and that was making me

grumpy and confused.

More on that later.......

The dog that God blessed me through

is not a blond like the one pictured here,

but that is all I'll say

until I have full permission

from her to

tell you more!

Bet that will bring you back here!

Heehee!

As Real As I Know How to Be.....

Anyway, welcome to my observations on life.

 Somewhat witty, heartwarming 

&

 always as real as I know how to be.

The words you see above are from my sidebar, making you a promise that I intend to keep. You really are an anonymous unknown collection of people who I will most likely never see in "real life". That is not to say that I don't care about you and your lives, I do. I know some of your back stories and have even been known to stop and chat with God about your troubles and problems. But the majority of you are strangers so I should be able to be "as real as I know how to be" here on this blogspace of mine.

Even so, I hesitate to tell you about my recent struggles and I am asking myself why I hold that back from you. As a Christian I think there are still some ugly pieces of my old "cocoon" hanging on and causing me to hide my questions and doubts from you. There is an old mind set that I must PROTECT GOD'S REPUTATION. Ha! That's hilarious really! As if He needs me to help Him with His PR (Public Relations)!

I am going through a tough time. Normally I would wait until I came through the tough time to tell you about how I came out the other side and all is well with my soul, so to speak. We people of faith tend to shy away from admitting that we still have questions, worries and doubts. 

I know about and practice (and even teach) the gift of choosing our thoughts and keeping them positive. It is one of my main teachings in fact! It isn't just a christian "glad game". I believe that we are the masters of our minds and we can choose to wallow in the muck or get up and keep walking. But that does not mean I am willing to pretend to be happy when I am struggling. 

Ironically, the very reason I feel free to share my wonderings with you today is that I know that I know that I know, that my God is good. I do not doubt Him. I am not worried that tomorrow I will lose my salvation and decide to become a hooker to make some money for us. (Ha! Too many funny one liners popping up right now, must refocus! )  

But I am wondering why He is being so very quiet right now. Hubs and I shared a  ministry job for ten years and it ended unexpectedly about 11 months ago. We are now living on 1/3 of that salary. There are many complicated friendship intricacies involved, too much to go into here, but mainly we are in a place of "what now?" and IT IS NOT FUN!

God and I have been more than friends for over 40 years so I have no doubt that there will be an end to this yucky season and I will be able to look back and see what it was about. I can say that because we have a history together and I simply know it will be alright.

But dang it, I am not used to it taking this long!! I am asking Him if I am missing some important clue, is there a step that I missed or a turn I did not take? 

For the first time in my life, the idea of going away and living the life of a hermit sounds really good and comfy cosy. Today on our bike Hubs slowed down enough to say, "Hey how about we sell all we have and just travel for a couple years then come back and let the kids take care of us?"  I told him that I never thought I would agree to such a plan, but it sounds perfect right now! 

We are using up our savings and even the small income we do have will be ending in June. C'mon God, any time now would be great! I know You well enough to trust You, so the panic has not taken over, but it would be oh so lovely to hear a little something to hang on to right about now.......

Needing Some Writing Advice...........

I have a book in my head. The idea of writing a book is a new one for me. I have written short non-fiction pieces for years. But this last summer a book appeared in my head and in my heart. My journal revealed a whole outline to my surprise!

What is my dilemma?

Choosing the target audience. 

I began this book journey with a narrow group of people that I wished to help through my words in a small uplifting book. But Hubs is telling me that my message is meant for a broader audience and that I should not be so specific in the introduction and title. He believes that my book is meant for more people than the group in my heart. 

That is all lovely and complimentary, but it messes with my ability to be focused. Is it smart to try to open up the number of people who may want to buy or read the book?  Or will the act of broadening the audience actually dilute it's impact? 

Will my passion come through if I try talking to "everyone" rather than the main ones I am picturing? 

These are important questions for me to answer before I actually begin because writing a book is a huge and scary new idea for me. I need all the full support that I can muster up, including Hubs. He may be suggesting exactly what I need to do, but I have been so concentrated on the narrow target that I am not sure I can write a book for everyone. I do not want to be just another lame little testimony book. I want to change lives.

Have no idea what I am blathering about? Sorry, here it is in a nutshell: As a woman in vocational ministry I have finally come to a place of accepting God's love totally apart from what I DO for Him. My heart is broken as I read the blogs of pastors wives who are lost, confused and unable to be themselves. So I wanted to write a book for them. I wanted to show them how to see themselves through God's eyes. To see that they are worthy of His love even if they never ever go to another church committee meeting or lead another women's Bible study.

But........

The message of God's unconditional love is for everyone. I know that. Everyone has issues of striving to earn His love even though they already have it. We all need help stepping into our true identity. My story is all about becoming the real me. It is about getting out from under the "church lady" syndrome. No longer structuring my life to fit the "rules" of what a Christian woman should look, act and feel like. 

I may be answering my own question here. 

Could I write a message to everyone who is hungry to be real? People who are in vocational ministry suffer the same questions and doubts as those in other lines of work. They may not show it as easily because of the need to appear strong in front of their churches, but it is there. 

I believe this is actually the whole point of Hubs advice to me. There should not be a different or elevated view of people who make their living by serving God as compared to those who are out there in "normal" jobs while they serve God.  

Both realms struggle with the idea that pleasing God is hard to do. The pre-school teacher next door may be thinking that God will be more proud of her if she agrees to teach a Sunday school class for her church rather than say no when asked to volunteer. We all tend to forget how much God loved us even before we came to Him! Were we "working" for Him then? No. Were we singing in the choir, organizing church bake sales or volunteering to be a kid's camp counselor? No. But He loved us already. 

Okay my friends, this long session of thinking aloud with you has been helpful. I believe that I can write a book that will help many people in all walks of life see that The Father is totally delighted with them. Today, not just in a future when they "get it all together". I may be able to word it in a way that speaks to pastor's wives, missionaries, store clerks, doctors and mommies at home. 

That is the whole point anyway! God loves us. God loves you. Completely, totally and without reserve. Regardless of how you make your living or volunteer your time. It is about who you are, NOT what you do!

Thoughts? Yes, I still am very open to your opinions on this new adventure of mine. Thanx!

It's Time For Fun!

It is time for fun.

Tomorrow my new job begins!

I will be "Pastoring" a whole bunch of

brand new ministry students.

My role has changed from Overseer to

Pastor, which to me means

"Lover".

All I have to do is love them.

I will be Mom to those who need

mothering.

I will be a counselor to others

and a mentor to several.

It is time to set aside my

frustrations.

I am done judging and comparing

how I would organize things differently.

It is time to take off the

Critical-details glasses

and put on the

LOVE

glasses.

Jesus on a Mac

makes me smile.

The picture would anger some

and I guess that makes me smile too!

It is time for fun!

"You used to be Much....Muchier!"

I realize that I am behind the times as usual, but Hubs and I just watched the new Alice in Wonderland movie last night. We were not all that interested in seeing it while it was in the theaters because neither of us cared much for the original version in the first place.

But, oh my goodness!

After wimpy little Alice fell down the rabbit hole she found herself in crazy situations that demanded she change her size to fit the need again and again. She became what was required to get the job done for that moment.

But then came the ultimate tough situation. She is being told that she is THE Alice that will be the White Queen’s champion and single-handedly slay the dreaded and horrible Jabberwocky!

Timid Alice argues that she does not slay. “I do not slay!”

The wise caterpillar agrees that she is not THE Alice. But as he agrees with her and says, “No, you are not the Alice.” I could clearly hear his silent…. “yet”!

Everyone around Alice knows that she has a huge and valuable destiny. The Mad Hatter tells her with disappointment, “You used to be much more….muchier. You’ve lost your muchness.”

Slowly she begins to see and believe that the words of destiny that all these strange creatures keep speaking over her may be true. She finds herself being the brave one, the one who solves the dilemmas for her new friends.

Alice’s “muchness” is returning.

Early in the movie during the fun and silly dialogues between Alice and the fantasy animals and the Mad Hatter, I found that unexpected tears were streaming down my cheeks. I heard Hubs quietly say, without seeing me, “Wow, this movie is really something!”

We were blown away at the power in the message of this movie! Alice had forgotten who she was. But forgetting or not knowing who you are does not change who you are. She was THE Alice, the one who would be their brave Champion and save the kingdom. Just because she did not FEEL like the Champion, did not alter the truth of it.

God has spoken beautiful words of worth to me through others, through His word and straight to my heart from His. God’s description of me (and you) is TRUTH. It just is.

I have recently lost some of my muchness. But it is returning.

As I sat on my couch and watched Alice in full armor fight the Jabberwocky, I felt that I was fighting also. I was fighting false ideas about myself that I had allowed to linger a bit too long. False ideas about my place in God’s Kingdom.

Alice renewed her strength as she fought by counting six impossible things that she had believed in the last few hours. One by one she declared some new truths, and each one made her stronger……………..

“I try to believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast. Count them, Alice. One, there are drinks that make you shrink. Two, there are foods that make you grow. Three, animals can talk. Four, cats can disappear. Five, there is a place called Underland…….”

And with the final Impossible Thing,

“ Six, I can slay the Jabberwocky.”

She swung her sword and the Jabberwocky lost his head!

God has given you a MUCHNESS that is there to stay. But you and I do need to recognize it and use what he has given us. We may even need to talk to ourselves a bit and remind ourselves that we are Champions. You are a Champion in your area of influence. Call up your MUCHNESS and believe the impossible.

Clearing My Mind

Today is Saturday, Hubs and I did a lot of nothing for most of the day. Sat around playing with the Internet on our laptops as we sat across from each other in the living room. Pretty pathetic on a gorgeous day. So finally late in the afternoon Hubs says,

"I'm going for a ride,

wanna go?"

I nod yes, but continue my web browsing for the perfect 'mother of the groom' dress. He turns off his laptop and heads to the garage. I better move it or I will be left behind! I go put on some jeans instead of my summer dress and off we go!

Out on the bike my mind considers the fact that we did not get a paycheck yesterday. For the first time in many, many years. I decided pretty quickly not to go there. Look at the pretty trees, aren't they amazing?....Yes, they are! And look at the field of tomatoes coming up here. Wonder what all those hundreds of tiny white butterflies are doing? So beautiful!

I am easily distracted when there is good reason

to be.

Big Stuff

Big stuff is

brewing in me!

Have some new direction

and

my heart is happy

scared

joyful

freaked out

and a little bit

determined!

Tell you more tomorrow.

What a tease!

Always Worshiping....

Recently my good friend, Stephanie sent me the following note, (Caps are mine.)

“I've been thinking of you this morning, and I feel like there's something in 2Chronicles 20 for you-

Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah were faced with an army come to take them out. The people turned to the Lord and testified of His power, greatness and willingness to move on their behalf. With their hearts turned to Him, they said,

“WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO, BUT OUR EYES ARE ON YOU.”

Then the Lord said-

"Do not be afraid or discouraged of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s…take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you…Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow and the Lord will be with you.”

The people POSITIONED THEMSELVES IN WORSHIP. They sang, “Give Thanks to the Lord for His love endures forever!” And as they sang and praised, the Lord set ambushes against the army that had rose against them. The enemies turned on each other and WIPED THEMSELVES OUT!

When it was all over, it took 3 entire days for Jehoshaphat and his men to carry off all the plunder from their defeated enemies!”

Stephanie followed that scripture description with some beautiful words of encouragement meant just for me. (Thank you Stephanie!)

When I turned to that passage in my Bible, it was almost completely underlined! Worship has been very important to me for many years. At one point I even fell into the sneaky trap of worshiping worship.

Today this has me pondering the wonderful wisdom of these men. The second half of their prayer….BUT OUR EYES ARE ON YOU….reveals some deep wisdom. I don’t know if they said it with an expression of exasperation or with quiet faith. Either way, it shows us what the perfect DEFAULT is for any situation! Wonder how long the battle would have gone on if they HAD KNOWN what to do!?

Worship is a state of mind. The POSITION of worship is simply PUTTING OUR EYES ON HIM! It is a state of heart. Which comes first does not matter. The worship of God’s people is a mysterious and multi-layered thing. As I read this story I was overwhelmed with the intricate and detailed threads that weave through us as we worship!

There is POWER in worship.

There is SAFETY in worship.

Worship reveals TRUTH.

Worship brings us WISDOM.

Worship can be DESPERATE.

We can find REST in worship.

We can acquire COURAGE in worship.

Worship releases CREATIVITY.

Worship is BATTLE.

We must BATTLE to worship.

Worship is REFRESHING.

Worship is CLEANSING.

There is more! Each of those statements is full of keys and revelation that lead us back to LOOKING AT HIS EYES.

Worship really is the ONLY sensible thing to do when we do not know what to do! It has become my DEFAULT. Unanswered questions and nagging doubts still hit me, but they do not overwhelm me anymore. He does not mind if I say, “God, I do not get this, but I am looking at you!” My default is to look at Him. For several years I have signed my letters, “Always Worshiping”. It has not been written lightly, it is where I live.

Back In The Saddle...Sort of

I have been back to work this week after taking two weeks off to relax and process the huge staff changes at our place of ministry and work. In the past I never have wanted to take our two weeks at the same time because I LOVE being in the office surrounded by so much life and laughter. But this time it was very easy to stay home and I really did not and still do not want to go back!

I have loved the time to be alone and quiet and really think and meditate on the goodness of God, even when it has been difficult to see the good part of all that is happening around us. My God is still good. He is as close as my breath and that fact has kept me sane.

All this time to be still has re-birthed a desire to be creative. When I was so office-administration-duties swamped, my mind and heart had no room for creativity. I would arrive home after a day with people and all I wanted to do was sit and read or watch TV. Now I am full to overflowing with blog ideas and searching the internet for more online writing jobs. It feels good and right.

So we are back at the office getting ready to help with our church's new ministry school in the Fall. There is no guarantee of a salary until we see what the enrollment numbers are. That part is so not fun! So I am pushing, pushing for student applications on FaceBook every day and trying not to feel creepy for extolling the wonders of a school that has not even begun yet! I have nothing against promotion and advertising, but I want to be honest and real and not full of hype. It is a pretty tricky job!

Something very deep and solid in me says that God is smiling at us during this process because He knows that there is a wonderful surprise just around the corner. We really believe that. Every other time in my life when I was feeling lost regarding a big change, it always turned out to be a very clear upgrade for us. Sometimes it is healthy to look to your history for reminders of what God will do in your future! He has never let me down.

Besides now is the time for us to be excited and planning for this this next big event on our family........

This little cutie-pie is joining our family on 10-10-10! My first daughter at last! Writer Son has chosen so well and he will be marrying Miss M in Texas in just a few months! That is where my thoughts and emotions should be. We are saving up for the event and looking forward so much to seeing them happily married! God is good!

Feels Good to be Bad....

We are riding our Roadstar motorcycle up to the lake

for a swim today....

(instead of going to church!!!)

With my upbringing this is 

pretty close to blasphemous! 

I know....it all started with

allowing myself to have a glass of wine once in a while,

then came the tattoo,

now skipping church!!!

Thanks God,

I love you today more than ever!

Come On In.....

Hubs & I spent the last 3 days in the beautiful Carmel, here in California,

relaxing on the beach,

overeating at amazing restaurants,

exploring the curvy roads of the gorgeous residential areas

and hoarding all the yummy croissants 

at the B&B Breakfast Counter!

What is it about staring at the ocean?

The biggness, the vastness,

 the beauty that needs no man made assistance?

It is so calming & invigorating at the same time.

It felt so good to be away from it all,

to know that the "stuff" still exists

but you don't need to talk or think about it for a few hours.

This wonderful door was just an ordinary yard entrance

for Carmel-ites.

But for me it spoke to me about

choosing to enter the door of peace, 

rest & trust.

That is where I want to live.

Time To Fly Again......

Yesterday morning during our first hour of school, our normal worship leader guy did not show up with his guitar and gear. Hubs and I were not really up to leading it acapella or choosing another worshipful activity, so we lead all the students over to our church sanctuary. It is a lovely place to spread out and get alone with God at the beginning of a day. The lights were low and the music (cd's through the sound system) was a mix of contemplative and some rowdy fun stuff at the end.

I found a comfy spot on the floor with my journal and leaned back against a wall and enjoyed watching our students worship God in their own unique ways. David was pacing around the large auditorium, smiling and chatting with his unseen Best Friend, Zulay was standing in front of the center altar area with her graceful hands up and swaying with the music. Nicki was sitting in a chair drawing a picture. Benny was kneeling in the middle of the floor with his head touching the floor in prayer. Hubs was in the sound booth choosing the music and reading his Bible. Jennifer was literally skipping around the sanctuary with abandon joy like a little girl rather than a forty something!

I have truly loved this job of leading these hungry ones into new and exciting relationships with God. Expanding their concept of Him, moving them from a SCARY view to a JOYFUL one. I sat there in that room full of love and wondered why in the world my good, good friend..... my God, would want to move me out of this perfect job!

So, again I asked Him that question. There was no lightening or fireworks as He gently gave me my answer....but He showed me a picture. He let me know that I was once again being broken out of a safe cocoon so that I could fly higher and experience much more than I imagined.

This was a surprise to me because I thought we had already DONE this bit. Way back in August 2008 my very first post as I began this blog was about breaking out of my cocoon of fear. In fact that is why I began this blog, it was to take you along with me on my journey into more and more freedom outside the cocoon.

Apparently I was again in a wonderfully comfy " myschool -shaped cocoon". After 10 years in our ministry school, we had it down pretty well, it has been a safe place and I thought that was the GOOD thing about it! Yah, it is supposed to be a safe place for the incoming students but safe can be a dangerous thing for a leader. We should always be challenged and reaching for more.

So my friends, here I am trying to stand up again a little taller as I push aside the remnants of my school-shaped cocoon. While at the same time, I am desperately wanting to gather those pieces around me again because I love them and I KNOW what it looks like. I have no idea what awaits me outside the limited space of that cocoon. I am not a fan of the unknown or adventure. I'm a planner.

But I have never seen a butterfly climb back into her cocoon. The truth is that once her wings have escaped the small space and spread out, she just would not, could not, FIT back into the crusty cocoon. Tomorrow is our last day of school. This butterfly is carrying a lot of Kleenex with her as she says good-bye to the past and tries really hard to turn around and smile at the unknown future.

The unknown possibilities are endless!

Mixed Emotions

How do you deal with totally conflicting emotions that absolutely must be expressed at the same time? These two pictures express my thoughts today.....except for one thing....

the thumbs down photo should be as large as the thumbs up....or even larger!

I have hinted at a job situation in the works and all will be revealed this next week so here goes. The ministry school that Hubs & I founded 9 years ago & love with all our hearts is ending this year. The last week of May we will graduate our last group of students. The doors are closing.

We could never get it to grow beyond about 40 students. Most years it was more like 25 students with us 4 days a week for 9 months. We know God loves the school & has made Himself evident in it day after day. But it is time to let go of what is in our hands in order to make room for something even better. At least that is how I am able to wrap my mind around ending the school.

We are not numbers people. One year we still ran the school even though we only had 8 students! But economically it does not make sense to continue to use our church's building & resources without bigger numbers. And we do need an income to live!

Okay, so that's the thumbs down side of things. This week we will announce to the school and its alumni that this is the last year. I am & have been seriously grieving this ending of our dream job. I am realizing that I have been allowing my job to be my identity. A huge no-no, but c'mon....when you totally love what you do & give your all to it....it becomes a part of who you are! Because the job came out of who you are!! So this will be a tough few months ahead.

So, our church is starting a brand new ministry school with a different style & more variety of curriculum, run by our very good friends. They have asked us to come on board & help them on a daily basis. We will be paid if they can get a large number of students. I have been asked to oversee their Facebook page & other online websites, besides being a small group leader who will mentor & advise students. (Just like I did in our school.) For this, I am supposed to be expressing loud & enthusiastic thumbs up.

But my heart is still grieving. And my pride is seriously injured. My thumb is really wanting to be pointing downward but in public & online it must be up up up! ( So very thankful, once again, that this blog is unknown to all the people in my life!) I do know that my God is very good & very generous with me, so there will be a good side to all of this. There always is! I am 55 & have been close friends with God for most of those years. we have a history together.

In the past, when situations came up that devastated me/us, we were always able months later to look back & say, "Wow, if that had not happened then we would not be in this amazing spot right now!" Some of those biggies had to do with job changes too! So my deep down truth is that this will all be okay.....but today it hurts....and God does not expect me to ignore that it hurts. He cares & He is calming me right now as I type these words out to you.

In the months ahead you will most likely be reading about our new adventures in the new school. And I will be thankful for the change. I will be rejoicing in the disruption of my safe path. Because safe is not always the very best is it?

Thanx, I feel better now.

In Her Easter Bonnet With All the Frills Upon it! FRIDAY FOLLOW!

The promise I made to myself earlier this week with all of you as my witnesses is harder to do than I thought! BUT, I have done it....so far! I decided to use the slogan..."MOVE FIRST....THEN BLOG!" to get back into the routine of exercise that my new Mac sabotaged so well. (Yes, I blame this lovely hunk of technology.) Every day since March 30th I have moved my body in serious workouts before coming to see you all. (Ha! "since the 30th"?...that's what?....FOUR DAYS !) This morning I even took a BEFORE photo of myself, but you will never see it unless there is an amazing AFTER photo to put next to it! :)

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This Sunday is Easter Sunday! The photo above shows you my background experience with Easter as a little girl. It was about Jesus & pretty dresses. Because we loved Jesus we dressed up for Him on that special day. Even though I am not the excited one with her arms stretched out all drama-queenish, I loved my new dresses, shiny shoes and especially the WHITE GLOVES made of lace!

I still love Jesus very much & I'm looking forward to our Easter service in two days, but the fancy dresses are a thing of the past. I probably won't wear my usual jeans that I wear on most Sundays to service, but new clothes are no longer a part of the day for me. I helped stuff Easter eggs this week for the kids ministry egg hunt & I love seeing the little ones all dressed up special.......but my focus is completely different than it used to be on this celebrated day each Spring.

The best part of the holiday for me are the words, "It is finished." When Jesus uttered those famous words on the cross, He was not talking about His life being finished or even that His time of suffering on the cross being finished.

The thing that is........ done with..... over........ finished.......... is our need to run to Him for forgiveness every time we blow it. He was talking about the price for our sins being paid for. We ARE forgiven, not just at that moment but forever. PAID IN FULL. I am forgiven of my past mess ups, my current mess ups and my future mess ups. What? That just sounds too good, how can that be true?

The word "sin" has come to include a lot of things that are truthfully not sinful. A bad thought is not a sin. A drink of alcohol is not a sin. Smoking is not a sin. Staying home on Sunday morning is not a sin. Going to a bar is not a sin. (Can you tell what kind of church I was raised in?) Any of these things can become a sinful thing if they begin to control you rather than you controlling them.

The cross and what happened there is huge in that it was the beginning of our freedom. I don't keep running BACK to the cross to get forgiveness, I live FROM the cross in total forgiveness for my mistakes. I can say to Jesus, 'Wow, I messed up there. Thank you so much for forgiving me, it won't happen again." And go on with my day. Just like that! Honest! FREEDOM!!

*** And yes, I have accepted Jesus' forgiveness for letting my mom dress my firstborn son in the Easter outfit you see below! Not so sure that Hubs is forgiving me yet though! Ha!

http://thetrendytreehouse.blogspot.com/

Lions and Butterflies Oh My!

Today has been so warm & sunny & summer-like that it almost tempts me to want to skip over Spring & jump right into Summer! Just like those lovely ladies above. Can't you practically hear them singing, "Tra-la-la-la-la!"? (Spell check hates when I get creative with words like that!)

While walking in the sun a bit this afternoon I was thinking about my last post on figuring out who we really are. I know many believers who say that they know God sees them as bold, or they have heard God tell them that they are strong...but they do not feel it or see it at all! They get frustrated with the huge clash or difference between who God says they are & who they see in the mirror.

I totally understand this place. If you have been reading me a while you know that my history is full of fear. I was living in a self constructed & safe cocoon for many years. It worked for me. Until God began to whisper very foreign thoughts to me. Always in short little phrases that I knew did not come from me because they were totally opposite to my thinking.

"You are my worshiping warrior."

"Wisdom & strength are yours."

"You are My oracle of truth & emissary of peace."

WHAT? I felt like looking behind me to see who He was really talking to. Didn't He see me hiding so cleverly that no one even asked me to do anything big any more? I had crafted a covering that only revealed a shy, quiet & worried lady. BUT He kept telling me what HE saw (& He is still telling me what & who He sees) when He looks at me. The cocoon had to go. It could no longer hold the butterfly that needed to escape because she no longer fit.

The first steps out of the cocoon have been scary. Sometimes I have felt like I was FAKING or pretending to be the strong, wise & peaceful woman He described. Seriously! I often take a deep breath before entering a roomful of people or meeting with a student. Even walking up to someone after church to chat takes courage for me. Am I pretending when I go ahead & do the thing that scares me? Am I being fake when I raise my hands in worship in front of a roomful of students? It almost feels like it sometimes, but it is not pretending......it is PRACTICING! (Thanks Graham Cooke, our Guest Teacher today!)

We can embrace the big, beautiful words that God uses to describe us....put them on & walk around in them a bit to see how it feels. Does it seem strange & unreal? That's okay because you are figuring out how to walk in those new high heels, it takes time to feel comfortable in them & natural. You are practicing. But they were made for you & the positive words that God uses to describe you are more real than the small, insignificant picture you have of yourself.

I am still practicing being a butterfly who flies rather than a butterfly who walks all the time. (I know I am mixing metaphors like crazy here, forgive me.) But there is coming a time when the flying will be more comfortable than the walking or hiding. The view that my God has of me is beginning to feel real & even though I do not see it all the time, I am confident that His picture of me is more TRUTHFUL than mine.