One Conversation

One conversation can bring healing to the hurting heart.
Speaking words aloud that have been swirling in our heads for months.
My stomach was turning flip-flops as we drove to the little Tai restaurant.
If it was going to be all small-talk I was determined to move it to big talk!
It is way overdue. No one's fault.
Everyone's fault.

One hour moved into more than two hours.
With eyes brimming they said that no harm was meant,
and told us of the behind-the-scenes happenings
that were happening.

With eyes equally full we said that we knew that.
We had never stopped 'believing the best' about them.
Underneath the surface junk, we knew the hearts and
we never doubted.

Well, yes, we did doubt and we did stick our
little toes into the tempting pool of
bitterness.
But we hated how it felt and quickly
stepped away.

But oh, the freedom to look across that little
shiny black table and smile into loving eyes.
To give forgiveness and accept forgiveness.
So sweet, take a deep breath and let the shoulders fall.

One talk, one conversation.
So powerful and so releasing.
Thank you Father.

No Judgement Zone

Made this myself with picnik.com!

Need to rework the colors of the lettering though.

It is for my other blog.

The blog is called Recovering Church Lady

and it is geared toward believers who

are spinning their wheels

and striving to make God love them.

I've lived there and the guilt

is a heavy thing that

my loving God did not intend.

I am hoping that my words

about how much they are totally loved

already without any of the hard work

and sacrifice,

will give them a glimpse of the freedom

He designed for them to enjoy.

So many have no clue how easy it is to please God.

We've made it ridiculously complicated.

And then use harsh judgement on others

to make us feel good.

Recovering Church Lady is a safe place of freedom and refreshment!

A New Direction

*

I cannot tell you how much better I felt after writing last night's blog post! It seemed like I turned a corner in being honest with you, my five or six regular readers. (Even though I have over 200 Followers, I know I have lost many due to my recent sporadic posting and even less commenting. But this is the beginning of my come-back if you will.) I do sincerely want to thank my faithful few who have stuck with me and been so very encouraging in these last months of family loss and job loss. You are the best! Rob-Bear, Betty, Bipolar Diva, Kim, EmptyNester, and Bouncin' Barb, thanks so much! I have acquired a few new commenters recently and I welcome you also but will not try to name you now or I will be here forever making all these links!

This morning it occurred to me that this blog site has become something very different than what I had envisioned it in it's birth. I thought I had a story to tell of my journey from one place to another in my heart and mind. From stuffy school marm to freedom embracing motorcycle mama. I loved my job working with twenty-somethings and bragged on and on about living the life you love by doing a job that matches up to your passion.

I believe that I have been doing that, I was always honest and I held little back from you about my life. Then when the job ended and things were not so rosy and full of passion, I backed off from full disclosure and even considered closing this blog down. It became neglected and an afterthought to put up a general picture filled post. 

But this morning's thought came to me about Walking Butterfly; it is still a place of honesty, though the message may change because the JOURNEY has changed! And that's OK. My new journey presently is one of walking (or flying) onto a blank canvas. Into the unknown and unexplored. Hubs and I are jobless. We have our home and enough to pay for it for a couple more months. 

I have no clue whatsoever about how this story is going to end. Will one of us find an amazing and money filled job in the next few weeks? Will we end up without this home we love after all? Will I get a shocking writing offer that saves the day? Will I need to give up my dream and go sell tacos at Taco Bell?

So, lucky you! You get to be part of this mysterious true story. I am back and you my dear bloggy friends will be my safe outlet to spew the good, the bad and the ugly. Aren't you just so excited and thankful? Ha! 

I am.

* (Pic credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/11565139)

Spring At Last in Cali!

Took a very GREEN ride yesterday! 

Our California countryside!

Came upon a horse-drawn wagon!

Why do I love broken fences? I'm sure the property owners don't.

How green was my valley!

Happy California cows!

Green hills surround us.

Love the pinky-purple!

Love the bare trees as much as the fully dressed trees!

Our favorite kind of roads to find!

Like to go high!

Yep, I'll take that house!

Butterfly in her happy place!

So inviting.

Oranges!

Larry the Llama. Should his first name have 2 L's?

Thanx for joining us!

Good-Bye 2010

It is time to pack away the last of year 2010.

Tucking Rosemary Clooney (White Christmas movie) safely 

away into the Christmas chest,

along side the family ornaments.

One Christmas card is staying on the mantel however.

 It makes me smile every time I walk by it!

Speaking of my son and daughter-in-love....

oh you weren't speaking of them?

Well, they are my main attraction right now as they

travel ever closer to California.

They were at the Grand Canyon yesterday......

Writer Son's caption under this photo of his new bride:

"The Grand Canyon just got 10 times more beautiful!"

 I know! Sweetness to usher us into a brand new year!

Two-thousand-ten was not a great year for me personally.

Seeing my two sons in good relationships 

are the bright spots in an otherwise tough last 8 months.

And that is worth a lot isn't it?

I look at my men

and I smile 

with thankfulness.

Now as I enter two-thousand-eleven

it is time for me to look ahead

and

remind myself of what is behind me.

No, not the year that is behind me....

but the WINGS that are behind me.

Walking Butterfly is about using those big gorgeous wings

to fly

rather than dragging them

like a walking butterfly.

It is time to fly.

I am sick of

CAUTION.

Ready, set, go........

Blog Decorating Question....

This morning in our church we practiced the idea of giving and receiving in a very different way from "normal" church. People were told to bring something from their home that they wished to give away. Sort of a "Holy Swap Meet" Ha!

People lined up in front and described what they brought into the microphone and whoever wanted it could come up and get it. It went way smoother than I would have imagined it! It got to be so fun and rowdy as we cheered for each item going with it's new owner. Really fun! There were purses, candles, dining room sets, dryers, a skill saw, baby crib, one hour massage...on and on it went. Wonderful!

 

After the service one of my favorite former students came to me to chat and I suddenly knew why our paths had crossed that morning. 

I have been wanting a new header for my blog. A few days ago I started wondering if there was anyone I knew who could do the art work for me. I had a picture in my mind but I do not have the skills to put it on paper. You don't believe me? The drawing above is my evidence!

Years ago when I had a small epiphany about freedom in my life, it came with a visual in my head. (See epiphany under the TAB marked "Why Walking Butterfly" at top of page.) This crude drawing is the best I could do to represent what I saw. It's not a horrible drawing but not as cute and colorful as the one in my head.

So this morning the darling student who approached me just to say "Hi" and share a hug also happens to be an amazing artist! She has already done the illustrations for more than one book. The timing just hit me as we talked and I told her of my need for an artist and she jumped at it! She is in art school and was hoping people would be calling her to do work. 

I described the "walking butterfly" that I "saw" in my head. She was walking down a sidewalk all prim in her matching shoes and purse oblivious to the fact that she had a pair of huge, colorful and gorgeous wings being dragged behind her that could take her much higher and faster than she could imagine! 

My friend is thrilled to do it and happy to use her talent this way. The question I have for those of you who know how to design your blog headers is this: What dimensions do I give her? She will draw it and then scan it and send it to me most likely. Do I ask for a 5 inch tall drawing or what? Or does it even matter since it will be scanned and re-sized that way? 

Thanks for your help!

Needing Some Writing Advice...........

I have a book in my head. The idea of writing a book is a new one for me. I have written short non-fiction pieces for years. But this last summer a book appeared in my head and in my heart. My journal revealed a whole outline to my surprise!

What is my dilemma?

Choosing the target audience. 

I began this book journey with a narrow group of people that I wished to help through my words in a small uplifting book. But Hubs is telling me that my message is meant for a broader audience and that I should not be so specific in the introduction and title. He believes that my book is meant for more people than the group in my heart. 

That is all lovely and complimentary, but it messes with my ability to be focused. Is it smart to try to open up the number of people who may want to buy or read the book?  Or will the act of broadening the audience actually dilute it's impact? 

Will my passion come through if I try talking to "everyone" rather than the main ones I am picturing? 

These are important questions for me to answer before I actually begin because writing a book is a huge and scary new idea for me. I need all the full support that I can muster up, including Hubs. He may be suggesting exactly what I need to do, but I have been so concentrated on the narrow target that I am not sure I can write a book for everyone. I do not want to be just another lame little testimony book. I want to change lives.

Have no idea what I am blathering about? Sorry, here it is in a nutshell: As a woman in vocational ministry I have finally come to a place of accepting God's love totally apart from what I DO for Him. My heart is broken as I read the blogs of pastors wives who are lost, confused and unable to be themselves. So I wanted to write a book for them. I wanted to show them how to see themselves through God's eyes. To see that they are worthy of His love even if they never ever go to another church committee meeting or lead another women's Bible study.

But........

The message of God's unconditional love is for everyone. I know that. Everyone has issues of striving to earn His love even though they already have it. We all need help stepping into our true identity. My story is all about becoming the real me. It is about getting out from under the "church lady" syndrome. No longer structuring my life to fit the "rules" of what a Christian woman should look, act and feel like. 

I may be answering my own question here. 

Could I write a message to everyone who is hungry to be real? People who are in vocational ministry suffer the same questions and doubts as those in other lines of work. They may not show it as easily because of the need to appear strong in front of their churches, but it is there. 

I believe this is actually the whole point of Hubs advice to me. There should not be a different or elevated view of people who make their living by serving God as compared to those who are out there in "normal" jobs while they serve God.  

Both realms struggle with the idea that pleasing God is hard to do. The pre-school teacher next door may be thinking that God will be more proud of her if she agrees to teach a Sunday school class for her church rather than say no when asked to volunteer. We all tend to forget how much God loved us even before we came to Him! Were we "working" for Him then? No. Were we singing in the choir, organizing church bake sales or volunteering to be a kid's camp counselor? No. But He loved us already. 

Okay my friends, this long session of thinking aloud with you has been helpful. I believe that I can write a book that will help many people in all walks of life see that The Father is totally delighted with them. Today, not just in a future when they "get it all together". I may be able to word it in a way that speaks to pastor's wives, missionaries, store clerks, doctors and mommies at home. 

That is the whole point anyway! God loves us. God loves you. Completely, totally and without reserve. Regardless of how you make your living or volunteer your time. It is about who you are, NOT what you do!

Thoughts? Yes, I still am very open to your opinions on this new adventure of mine. Thanx!

Let The Girls Out

I found this wonderful jem over at Traci 66, she has a super funny blog with lots of giveaways too! Go check her out! As soon as I saw this it reminded of my girlfriends and our weekly night out together.

Actually we don't "go out" anywhere. We gather at one of our homes, get comfy, drink our wine and yak, laugh, cry, share our rants and our "yays!"!

We are all very busy women. Well, I am the least busy, but the others all travel a lot on ministry trips and speaking engagements or hosting important people in their homes. We finally realized that if we did not set up an appointed time together it would still be too many short, quick hugs in hallways, at church or in the office.

So, once a week we try to jump in our cars and walk into a friend's home without knocking, slip out of our shoes and have a relaxing evening together. All six of us do not always make it to every gathering, but whoever is in town drops everything and comes!

Why did that cartoon bring this to my mind? If you think it is just because it talks about girlfriends, you'd be wrong. It immediately reminded me of our last girls night out in the tiny, cozy home of one of us who is divorced. She used to collect antiques and this super small little "granny house" on someone's property is packed to the rafters in huge but gorgeous antique furniture and pictures.

We were talking away and enjoying the different wines we had brought, when right in the middle of a sentence one of my friends stops her story and says,

"Know what? I'm sorry guys

but I have GOT to let the

"girls" out!"

And she proceeded to remover her bra from underneath her clothes. The hostess laughed and said,

"Why do you think

I'm wearing this loose shirt?"

I said,

"It is my favorite thing

about having an

empty nest!"

So from now on I am pretty sure that our Girls Night Out is really going to be a "GIRLS" NIGHT OUT!

It's Time For Fun!

It is time for fun.

Tomorrow my new job begins!

I will be "Pastoring" a whole bunch of

brand new ministry students.

My role has changed from Overseer to

Pastor, which to me means

"Lover".

All I have to do is love them.

I will be Mom to those who need

mothering.

I will be a counselor to others

and a mentor to several.

It is time to set aside my

frustrations.

I am done judging and comparing

how I would organize things differently.

It is time to take off the

Critical-details glasses

and put on the

LOVE

glasses.

Jesus on a Mac

makes me smile.

The picture would anger some

and I guess that makes me smile too!

It is time for fun!

Girl's Getaway!

I am home again after a wonderful three-day girl's getaway with a few of my close buddies. We stayed in a huge lake house and had a blast together!

Did I mention the Suit of Armor guy in my post from the lake? This huge guy was just outside my bedroom door and even when I knew he was there, he scared me again and again! Especially after dark! You just don't expect an armored knight to be guarding/stalking your bedroom door!

We also loved the water bikes. They took us all around the lake to peak into other people's lake houses and see if we had the best one or not. I think we pretty much outclassed them all! If you consider sitting around in the dark telling our most embarrassing stories ever as classy. And the way sound carries over water, we probably should have been embarrassed even more! "Hi neighbors!"

See those margaritas? They were my first. No, it was not peer pressure. I requested them when we were menu planning back at home. I have always heard women gush over them but was not brave enough to order one in a restaurant because didn't know what to ask for. So I figured this would be the perfect environment to see what all the fuss was about. Very very yummy!! Loved it!

I am back to work after being off and jobless all June, July and half of August. It is good news that the new school has re-hired us........and I don't want to be ungrateful............but, sure was nice to concentrate on writing and to sleep in as long as I wanted. I will find a balance in this new position because the time off has shown me that freelance writing is something I enjoy and want to pursue. So there was a blessing in the awful situation after-all. (For those of you who know the story.)

I'll tell you more about my new job in a future post.

Thanks for listening....um....reading, I mean.

So That's A LAKE HOUSE!

This moment is so perfectly wonderful that I have to capture it. It will come in handy for the next time I need a ‘Happy Place’ to run to. I wonder if I can bring you here with me? I will give it a go, as my English friend would say.

I am sitting on the deck of a fabulous lake house. My picture of the words ‘lake-house’ has changed dramatically since yesterday morning when I woke up and began the hour and a half drive here. ‘Cabin’ was more fitting to what I imagined this would be. I. Was. Very. Wrong! Ha!

I am staying three days in the second home of a friend of a friend. It is a two-level grand house that includes two knights in full armor that are a bit surprising when you turn the corner and see them out of the corner of your eye. There is a clear Lucite grand piano with beautiful brass workings inside. Do those two examples give you an idea of the extravagance of this “Lake House”?

But the very best part is that each home here has it’s own private dock and it is about twenty steps from the glass back doors to the water! I am a real water rat. The phrase that comes to mind this morning is that I am free to “swim on whim” at any moment I choose!! This to me is true luxury.

Back to this exact moment….On the deck that is spread across the length of the home, are some of my closest friends. There are two more who are not here, but they need to be with us to make it TOTALLY perfect.

Three women are sitting here reading or sunbathing, two others are in the water talking as they swim and hold onto swim-noodles. This morning we made quite a comical scene as we maneuvered two water-bikes down a steep hill from the garage to the waters edge! I have never ridden a bike on the water but it was so fun! I thought it was going to be paddleboats but they are basically a bike between two brightly colored pontoons.

Okay, just now the sun was bothering us so we wondered if moving down to the grassy area would be cooler. My friend says, and I’m not making this up……..”Yes, let’s give it a go.” Ha! So of course I read the first paragraph to her and we cracked up!

The first night I was given a rule: No un-authorized photos can be published. We looked at some of the pictures last night and a few needed to be immediately deleted. Keep in mind this is supposed to be a relaxing escape for a bunch of fifty-somethings!

Actually the original intent and agenda for the girl’s getaway was to have a Silent Retreat. We were not going to speak at all during the day and then share our hearts during dinner. ……………..Nope, not happening. The sharing is definitely happening. I feel full and encouraged and lifted up by spending time with my friends. I even received a little one sentence scolding last night when I said something about my weight and was told to “Stop talking about my friend like that!”

So the sharing part is working but the silent part…..um, not so much! In fact no one is even mentioning it! THIS time.

I guess we will just have to try again in the fall! Yep, I think we may need to give it a go!