How do you deal with totally conflicting emotions that absolutely must be expressed at the same time? These two pictures express my thoughts today.....except for one thing....
the thumbs down photo should be as large as the thumbs up....or even larger!
I have hinted at a job situation in the works and all will be revealed this next week so here goes. The ministry school that Hubs & I founded 9 years ago & love with all our hearts is ending this year. The last week of May we will graduate our last group of students. The doors are closing.
We could never get it to grow beyond about 40 students. Most years it was more like 25 students with us 4 days a week for 9 months. We know God loves the school & has made Himself evident in it day after day. But it is time to let go of what is in our hands in order to make room for something even better. At least that is how I am able to wrap my mind around ending the school.
We are not numbers people. One year we still ran the school even though we only had 8 students! But economically it does not make sense to continue to use our church's building & resources without bigger numbers. And we do need an income to live!
Okay, so that's the thumbs down side of things. This week we will announce to the school and its alumni that this is the last year. I am & have been seriously grieving this ending of our dream job. I am realizing that I have been allowing my job to be my identity. A huge no-no, but c'mon....when you totally love what you do & give your all to it....it becomes a part of who you are! Because the job came out of who you are!! So this will be a tough few months ahead.
So, our church is starting a brand new ministry school with a different style & more variety of curriculum, run by our very good friends. They have asked us to come on board & help them on a daily basis. We will be paid if they can get a large number of students. I have been asked to oversee their Facebook page & other online websites, besides being a small group leader who will mentor & advise students. (Just like I did in our school.) For this, I am supposed to be expressing loud & enthusiastic thumbs up.
But my heart is still grieving. And my pride is seriously injured. My thumb is really wanting to be pointing downward but in public & online it must be up up up! ( So very thankful, once again, that this blog is unknown to all the people in my life!) I do know that my God is very good & very generous with me, so there will be a good side to all of this. There always is! I am 55 & have been close friends with God for most of those years. we have a history together.
In the past, when situations came up that devastated me/us, we were always able months later to look back & say, "Wow, if that had not happened then we would not be in this amazing spot right now!" Some of those biggies had to do with job changes too! So my deep down truth is that this will all be okay.....but today it hurts....and God does not expect me to ignore that it hurts. He cares & He is calming me right now as I type these words out to you.
In the months ahead you will most likely be reading about our new adventures in the new school. And I will be thankful for the change. I will be rejoicing in the disruption of my safe path. Because safe is not always the very best is it?
Thanx, I feel better now.