Sunday, May 2, 2010

Mixed Emotions

How do you deal with totally conflicting emotions that absolutely must be expressed at the same time? These two pictures express my thoughts today.....except for one thing....
the thumbs down photo should be as large as the thumbs up....or even larger!

I have hinted at a job situation in the works and all will be revealed this next week so here goes. The ministry school that Hubs & I founded 9 years ago & love with all our hearts is ending this year. The last week of May we will graduate our last group of students. The doors are closing.

We could never get it to grow beyond about 40 students. Most years it was more like 25 students with us 4 days a week for 9 months. We know God loves the school & has made Himself evident in it day after day. But it is time to let go of what is in our hands in order to make room for something even better. At least that is how I am able to wrap my mind around ending the school.

We are not numbers people. One year we still ran the school even though we only had 8 students! But economically it does not make sense to continue to use our church's building & resources without bigger numbers. And we do need an income to live!

Okay, so that's the thumbs down side of things. This week we will announce to the school and its alumni that this is the last year. I am & have been seriously grieving this ending of our dream job. I am realizing that I have been allowing my job to be my identity. A huge no-no, but c'mon....when you totally love what you do & give your all to becomes a part of who you are! Because the job came out of who you are!! So this will be a tough few months ahead.

So, our church is starting a brand new ministry school with a different style & more variety of curriculum, run by our very good friends. They have asked us to come on board & help them on a daily basis. We will be paid if they can get a large number of students. I have been asked to oversee their Facebook page & other online websites, besides being a small group leader who will mentor & advise students. (Just like I did in our school.) For this, I am supposed to be expressing loud & enthusiastic thumbs up.

But my heart is still grieving. And my pride is seriously injured. My thumb is really wanting to be pointing downward but in public & online it must be up up up! ( So very thankful, once again, that this blog is unknown to all the people in my life!) I do know that my God is very good & very generous with me, so there will be a good side to all of this. There always is! I am 55 & have been close friends with God for most of those years. we have a history together.

In the past, when situations came up that devastated me/us, we were always able months later to look back & say, "Wow, if that had not happened then we would not be in this amazing spot right now!" Some of those biggies had to do with job changes too! So my deep down truth is that this will all be okay.....but today it hurts....and God does not expect me to ignore that it hurts. He cares & He is calming me right now as I type these words out to you.

In the months ahead you will most likely be reading about our new adventures in the new school. And I will be thankful for the change. I will be rejoicing in the disruption of my safe path. Because safe is not always the very best is it?

Thanx, I feel better now.


  1. Bless your heart Brenda! You poured your heart and soul into your school. It is like your baby. I hate that you have to give it up but like you, I know God has wonderful things in store for you. Blessings my blogging friend

  2. I love you and want to reply in depth now but am at youth with my hubby. So I have to write more later. But you are on my heart tonight through your struggles.

  3. An interesting crossroads. Some great advice I received once was to wait and decide to not make a decision just yet. When we jump too quickly, sometimes it's not in the right direction.
    Good luck! Maybe you're suppose to do something entirely different????

  4. Any change is difficult but that's what living in the world is about "change" - but we can surrender it all to God and Trust. Your pain and confusion is absolutely understandable and I'm glad you have this blog to vent without risk of judgment. You'll be in my prayers this week. Just stopped in to see what was up and to say "Hi". God is Good All the Time! -Haupi

  5. Brenda Susan,
    The conflicting emotions that you are experiencing are so totally understandable!! I mean, to be running your own ministry school, have to close the doors on it, then be asked to help run almost the same thing that someone else is basically trying to replace...only different...IN THE SAME BUILDING...WOW!!! This is going to be tough. God may be and have perfect love and understanding, but He made us with an ego and pride. He also made us to want to reach out to Him, desire Him, and long for Him. You are right, His love, guidance and understanding will prevail and lead you through all of this right to the place He needs you to be the most!! Virtual Hugs To You!!

  6. wow, my heart feels so full as I read these kind & gentle words from you all! Thank you so much! And Joni, I also feel that I need to be careful not to jump too quickly & wait a bit before making any big changes.
    Thanx all!

  7. Not sure if you received my email (on Thursday), but you won the cold plasma from Hip Weddings. Please send me your mailing address to claim your prize.

    Now, I am sorry to hear your school must end...but maybe this just gives your the opportunity to spread your message and teachings to others who really need it. Change is hard but there may be some great rewards.

    hip weddings
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  8. I all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Wow, that was much easier to type than for me to do!

    I'm sorry about the closing of the school. That has to be such a difficult thing to go through.

    Will be waiting to hear more.


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